How to become a Nigerian President (2)

Nigeria's former Presidents

Oladeinde Olawoyin

Corruption, by default, has been identified as Nigeria’s greatest problem. From the Lagos landlord to the Ilorin rice merchant to the Borno grass-cutter, we all have agreed that corruption remains a major bane in our developmental journey. It is the pivot upon which all of Nigeria’s hydra-headed problems rotate. And so the Nigerian presidential hopeful need not stress himself if he has a good anti-corruption credential, whether imaginary, selective, ethnic-induced or whatever. To put it simply, victory is assured. I will come back to this.

On becoming Nigeria’s president, you have to swear to an oath to defend its territorial integrity from external aggression, both military and linguistic, including derogatory depictions like the US’ ‘shithole’ metaphor. But it matters less if in the absence of power, good roads and other basic amenities, the fundamental objective and directive principle of state policy appears ‘shitty’. After all, the Nigerian takes pride in owning the exclusive right to condemning his own government; he shares no such right with external ‘interlopers’.

And so, as our President, you need do little about such derogatory comment: there is an army of patriotic Nigerians who would respond to such with acerbic responses from their posh offices, generator-powered homes, inside Lagos traffic, and of course, millions from the four walls of their ‘Salanga’ (pit toilet).

In seeking re-election, it is important to understand the power of emotion over logic. Emotions ensure that you connect with the people irrespective of your performances; logic requires that you place your track records on the table for evaluation without photo-shopping them.

The Nigerians connect more with emotion than logic, and that makes the re-election plans a lot easier.

Again, to connect with the Nigerian voter, you must appeal to the HUMAN side. In effect, you may wish to expose them to your ‘human’ side, to appeal to those parts of them that is devoid of critical thinking. It matters not if you have no ACTION, or more appropriately, PERFORMING side.

Religion is an important part of re-election campaign in Nigeria, and exploiting the dynamics of religion makes you immune to critical assessment. There are a thousand marabouts and suit-wearing smooth talkers that could open the peoples’ minds for you. Identifying the influential ones and recruiting them remains a tactical game-changer: it worked like magic. Until recently, perhaps.

You may choose to read cartoons sections of newspapers to run away from Nigerians and their headaches, and so even if millions choose to write letters in newspapers daily; there’s no cause for alarm. But it must be said that once the letter bears the handwriting of a certain farmer from Ota, notorious for writing regime-changing letters, then danger looms. Even the presidential rule on not being in a hurry to act must be jettisoned, pronto.

In other words, as Nigeria’s president, you must understand that all letters are equal but some letters are more equal than others.

Back to the fight against corruption, It matters not if the president mouths anti-corruption rhetoric and look the other way when close aides and associates engage in the plundering of the peoples’ resources with rapacious rage. A photo-op with some of these associates isn’t a bad idea, even. It’s all good for the re-election bid.

Besides, in Nigeria, the anti-corruption spirit is in the family of contagious diseases like monkeypox and ‘lapalapa’: people contract it once they hob-nob with the Nigerian numero uno and, pronto, like whited sepulchre, they become corruption-free.

That Ogun Pyramid

Governor Ibikunle Amosun’s skyscraper cap has always been for me a subject of both fascination and riddle. I have always wondered how, inspite of the turbulence of Ogun politics, he’s been able to successfully maintain the huge structure of that cap. But the recent (unverified) pictures flying around showing how he allegedly padded his famed rice pyramid seem to have solved this riddle.

The governor comes across as a man of HUGE accomplishments and perhaps, if subjected to scrutiny, there might be a huge wad (that which could pass for ‘Osuka’ in our Yoruba colloquial exchange) LIE-ing somewhere beneath that cap. And it remains unsettling how in spite of the allegations that have trailed that rice project, the government has treated the issue with kid gloves. Of course, optics is of no importance here anyway.

On the flipside, since the discourse isn’t really about ‘statistical padding’, we may jettison the idea of looking into the state’s 2018 budget anyway.

Olawoyin is a reporter with Premium Times

How to become a Nigerian President (1)

Former Presidents Olusegun Obasanjo, Goodluck Jonathan and Nigeria's current President Muhammadu Buhari- Source Daily Post

Oladeinde Olawoyin

First, a caveat: you do not need any certificate to become president of Nigeria. There is what seems a national consensus to bully every certificate holder out of the presidential race, if we go by the 2015 national electoral template. So, in effect, one sure way of losing out in this ambition is to flaunt your academic certificates. If you are so unfortunate to possess any, quite sadly, make sure you hide them away from the Nigerian public; a NEPA bill is quite enough. Or, better still, your last bill from the Nigerian Water Corporation, NWC. I will come back to this.

There are two, to adopt a Nigerian lingo, tested-and-trusted ways of winning the presidential race by default in Nigeria. One, if you have been thrown into the gulag by the state before now––whether for legitimate or illegitimate reasons––you sure have higher chances of becoming our president. Two, if you are fortunate to be born into abject poverty, particularly if you grew up shoe-less in a backwater Nigerian community and you can milk out emotions with your background. While you do not have control over the latter, you sure have absolute control over the former. And, should it happen that you have not tasted the Nigerian prison life before now, you still have between now and February 2019 to navigate your ways to the gulag––whether deliberately or otherwise; no sacrifice should be too big for this grand ambition.

According to the finding of a widely publicised study, Nigerians are said to be the happiest people on earth. What the study failed to establish however is that during electioneering, Nigerians are equally the easiest to mesmerize on the planet. Perhaps due to their ever-happy nature, and maybe because with happiness comes blissful stupidity, they pay little attention to details. And herein lies your biggest strength as a presidential hopeful: do NOT make any promise to the Nigerian people, please. Let your party make all the promises. The whole shenanigan becomes much more potent if the party has a spokesperson who is no public communication LAI-bility. That way you could, in all honesty, denounce every unrealistic ‘manifestoe’ peddled online AFTER ––emphasis on the timing, please––you are elected. Afterall, if elementary biology lessons are valid, there is a wide gulf between the party and the candidate: the one is a non-living thing and thus have no mouth of its own to speak; the other is a living thing who never said anything.

Perhaps the most important electioneering strategy in Nigeria is to always, always avoid election debates. Avoiding election debate––that shouting match where everyone claims superior illogic–– is one sure way of keeping the people in the dark about the looming disaster that is about to hit them. There is the tendency to erroneously perceive debate as a platform to connect with the people but the danger is much more sinister than its overhyped advantage. Courtesy of the media, those purveyors of fake news, and their civil society partners, the debate is often a booby-trap put in place for unsuspecting politicians to televise their idiocy and idea bankruptcy on national television. Avoid them.

During electioneering, a brilliant way of not advancing any concrete developmental vision yet appearing as the messiah before the people is to adopt a forceful, revolutionary-sounding catchphrase. Like “Change!”, “Power!”, infact anything. Even “Pangolo!” Simply let it sound forcefully revolutionary. And for every two-hour campaign exercise, mouth these words for about 1 hour 56 minutes. I can assure you of one thing: Victoria Ascerta.

Now, while you are at it, never ever lose your loyal crowd. Every politician (depending on the personage he projects in the media and however radically contrasting that personage is to his real, authentic self) has its loyal crowd. And trust the ever-loyal, recession-stricken crowd, they will defend you with all their might––and even if they remain on fuel queues for three days, they would surmount all of their energies to hail you when your convoy of AC-ied Prado Jeeps moves around them. Such is the intensity of their loyalty.

Be careful with sensational media headlines. Avoid ALL newspapers like plague because as you would come to realise after few years of your exemplary leadership, ALL newspapers would appear as though they are being sponsored by the opposition. And if you choose to read them out of magnanimity, avoid their hard-hitting, headache-inducing editorials. Simply limit yourself to their cartoon sections––particularly the ones that treat stuff far away from national importance, like sensual issues of the ‘other room’.

If you are seeking re-election, there is the possibility that your unprecedented level of achievements would appear non-existent before the people, especially when your kinsmen either choose to bomb the nation into another year or they seek to reverse all your gains in agriculture with their genocidal attacks on the food basket of the nation. But because beyond the online outrage and initial gra-gra, the Nigerian voter is pathetically amnesiac, and because the opposition folks must have been made spineless by the anti-graft campaign, there is always a way out.

So even without any certificate, just relax because, ceteris paribus, you have the baton already for a fresh 4-year term. Given what the experience has been in the last couple of years, there is the tendency for Nigerians to be wary of certificate-less candidates. But ultimately, with the absence of direction in the public domain, coupled with endless fixation on decisions taken more than two years ago, and, of course, the absence of any serious public conversation on possible alternatives, it remains unclear whether the Nigerian mumu has no sequel. Relax, man.

Killings: 'You're selling a bad product,' CAN tells Presidential aide, attacks JNI

Evelyn Okakwu

The Christian Association of Nigeria CAN has responded to claims by Presidential Spokesperson Garba Shehu that the association failed to cite clear cases of abuse of constitution allegedly committed by this administration. 

Reacting to comments made by CAN, through its Secretary General, Musa Asake in a press conference on January 16, Mr. Shehu denied claims made by Mr. Asake that the current administration was enmeshed in acts tantamount to destroying Nigeria's democracy. 

Mr. Shehu said Mr. Buhari’s government “poses no threat to the country’s democracy and Constitution.”

“There are no cases of any violation of our sacred constitution and there will be none under this President," the presidential spokesperson said.

In a similar development, the Jama'atu Nasril Islam JNI also in a statement by its Secretary General Khalid Aliyu accused CAN of destroying the cordial relationship between Christians and Muslims by  persisting in its (CAN's) purported allegations,  aimed at "destabilizing the polity ahead of the 2019 general elections". 

Reacting to both statements, Mr. Asake reiterated sections of the constitution  the association believes to have been abused by this administration, adding that no government has been as allegedly culpable of such abuses as this one. 

"Frankly speaking, Garba Shehu should be pitied with his current position because he is  trying to sell a bad product and as a result he cannot do without being sycophantic. Unfortunately for him, in his bid to defend President Muhammadu Buhari, whose government’s record for nepotism, favoritism and discrimination is second to none, Shehu goofed by claiming that I “could not cite any valid cases of constitutional violations”. 

"It is apparently clear that Shehu did not read the full text of my address at the Press Conference before kicking against it otherwise, he would have kept quiet. Because in my address, I said inter alia, “...By failing to curb the attacks of the Fulani herdsmen President Buhari has failed to uphold Section 14, Para. 2 (b) in the Constitution which reads, “the security and welfare of the people shall be the primary purpose of government.” 

"Through his partial, sectional and discriminatory appointments, particularly in Security and Education, President Buhari violated Section 14, Para. 3 which reads: “The composition of the Government of the Federation or any of its agencies and the conduct of its affairs shall be carried out in such a manner as to reflect the federal character of Nigeria and the need to promote national unity, and to command national loyalty, thereby ensuring that there shall be no predominance of persons from a few State or from a few ethnic or other sectional groups in that Government or in any of its agencies," the CAN secretary said in a statement on Friday. 

Mr. Asake further said in his statement, that it was the duty of church leaders to help politicians lead the country well. 

Regarding the statement by the JNI, CAN accused the Islamic body of handling national issues with kit gloves, saying that the JNI secretary aired when he related the herdsmen perpetrating recent killings in the country to a branch of the Christian association. 

"The Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) wishes to protest the lack of seriousness and kindergarten approach of JNI to serious national issues. We are amazed that the spokesman of Jama’atu Nasril Islam could ascribe the ownership and control of Fulani herdsmen to any Christian organization. Such attempt to stand reason on its head does not portray JNI as a serious minded organization. 

"We used to assume that JNI is a credible and responsible organization that can meaningfully engage in national discourse.  Unfortunately, the response of Dr. Khalid Abubakar Aliyu is a great disappointment. 
May we suggest to his Eminence, the President of Supreme Council of Islamic Affairs, to reach into the community of educated Muslims and find serious minded individuals that could engage in serious national issues to speak for JNI. 

"The Fulani herdsmen are Muslims. For the herdsmen, it would be considered demeaning if anyone should ascribe any other religion apart from Islam to them. Therefore, for anyone to suggest that the Fulani herdsmen are “franchise” of CAN is the most unimaginative and ridiculous statement of the century," the statement said. 

Presidency signs eight new bills

Punch

President Muhammadu Buhari on Friday signed eight bills earlier approved by the National 

Assembly.

Among the newly signed bills is the Legislative Houses power and privileges bill, 2018.

The act allows members of the Nigerian legislature the power of immunity on discussions during plenary. It also allows the authority to arrest persons suspected to have acted in negation of the act.

Another law signed by the President is the senior citizens centre law which provides for a centre that caters for the needs of senior citizens in the country.

The punch newspaper reports that the other bill include: the National Institute of Legislative Studies amendment Act, 2018, the avoidance of Double Taxation Agreement between the Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Kingdom of Spain (Domestication and Enforcement ) Act, 2018; Rail Loan (International Bank) (Repeal) Act, 2018, Chartered Institute of Project Managers of Nigeria (Establishment) Act, 2018, Chartered Institute of Local Government and Public Administration Act, 2018 and Nigeria Agricultural Quarantine Service (Establishment), Act, 2018.

The report adds that the senior special assistant to the President on senate matters, Ita Enang informed journalists about the new development after the signing of the bill on Friday.